The Daily Scribbler

In a middle of a heart beat

2009-05-14T15:28:00.004+03:00

I loved when I used to send my heart pounding
At more than one hundred and eighty beats per minute,
It made me feel as if I were living three lives at a time!
The fallen pacifist that I was,
The dreamer that I am,
The militant that I’ll never grow to be,

Whenever I sent my heart pounding
At more than one hundred and eighty beats per minute,
The abrasive sound of the rubber hitting the road,
Silenced your deafening climax screaming,
Sharpened my senses,
And suppressed yours!

Sometimes when I sent my heart pounding
At more than one hundred and eighty beats per minute,
I did it, as a hopeless attempt
To prevent you from taming it!
I gritted my teeth just as I burst
Into anaerobic molecules!

I have grown to hate sending my heart pounding
At more than one hundred and eighty beats per minute,
Ever since that Holy Grail
Stunk from the smell of death, the taste of flesh,
And the sound of your screaming
On top of my broken body

Now that I can no longer send my heart pounding
At more than one hundred and eighty beats per minute,
How do you expect me to dream?
I have grown old overnight,
My heart no longer beats for those I love,
My brain is dead, my dreams are in a coma!

Clarity

2009-04-23T12:10:00.001+03:00

I know what’s on the menu for tonight
You will drown your dreams
At the bottom of a southern comfort
But the sweet taste of alcohol
Won’t damage your brain cells;
For these have mutated years ago
It won’t ruin your dreams either
This tickling feeling will perfectly suit
Your dark material, my muse
You will blossom into a thousand cacti
Aconites, black locusts and Christmas roses
Your shining will disintegrate feeble minds,
Eradicate normality the way we know it
And shall set free humanity’s greatest gift

Lucidity

2009-04-20T12:00:00.003+03:00

So this is what it comes to in the end:
A camera, a book, a laptop, a cell phone, and a handful of memories!
Funny! Life - in all its pixalized orgasms, fake pictures,
bitter coffee pots, non-matching matches,
endless discussions with an erudite bunch of friends -
summarizes itself into oblivious concepts!
Nothing that can’t be fit in your medial temporal lobes,
a small black handbag, and a free automated digital publishing tool!
Yet somehow, during a brief insane moment
you think that it’s priceless!

Round trip to hell

2009-04-14T10:00:00.005+03:00

Two weeks ago, I crashed while riding my road bike!

Ended up in the ICU! Left the hospital after 4 days!

My physical recovery was swift! I was back on the bike the second day I got out of the hospital!

However, ever since the accident I haven't been the same guy!

Some things have changed! My perspective of life and death, as well as my plans!

I have been dreaming about death much more often; yet fearing it much less!

Darwinism!

2009-03-23T14:49:00.001+02:00

At my height of evolution, I praised myself for finding me a pair of decent friends, and by decent I mean the following: simple yet complex enough to understand human emotions; bookish yet not pretentious about their books binging; ironic yet not hilarious; skeptical yet not faithless (and given my eternal search for faith, you can understand how happy I am).

At my lowest, I loathed myself for being a sample size calculator, for drifting so far away from my dreams, for getting lost within society’s infinite little requirements… for failing to qualify as an exemplary citizen.

At my height of evolution I would have studied literature, poetry, philosophy, photography, or journalism.

At my lowest, I’ve lost my way somewhere between being a mathematician, a programmer, a statistician, or an epidemiologist… which I am not sure I qualify for any of them!

At my height of evolution, I decided to move along, change prospect, chase new delusions, and look for new dreams playgrounds!

At my lowest I decided to leave my friends, their simplicities, their complexities, their irony and their skepticism.

At my height of evolution I am simply not sure, if this if good enough!

Regression!

2009-02-25T16:01:00.001+02:00

Time obsessed freaks! That’s what we are! Days are too short, years are even shorter!
Regress! Regress into timeless obsessed creatures that do not give a damn about deadlines, birth dates, anniversaries, years of experience, silver, gold or diamond jubilees!
Regress into creatures obsessed about change, colors, poetry, philosophy, adultery, sports, literature, music, arts, fine arts, freaky arts! Obsessed about obsession, jealousy, envy, fear, guilt, loneliness, confidence, love, hatred, rage, joy, sorrow or some million other human emotions!

Throw your calendars into the fire! Smash your fancy watches across the wall! Daydream during meetings, debate Darwin’s theory of evolution over the phone, write poems instead of progress reports, blog about the good steak you ate yesterday in some restaurant in Gemayzeh, download Jan Tiersen’s collection!

Say no to additional tasks! Take time to learn Chinese, transcendental meditation or Italian cuisine! Read about your country’s history, and read about the neighboring countries’ history as well! Plant a tree or a Marijuana plant!
Life is ephemeral! Dare to change your paradigm of existence! Live, read, cry, laugh, run, jump, love, hate, quit, challenge… or just dream!

AOL

2009-02-23T10:57:00.002+02:00

I was asked to write a small intro about a fellow blogger... Here it is!

Confessions of an angry fool!

2009-02-17T18:16:00.003+02:00

Who am I? What I want? or what I stand for? Don’t ask me! Such questions must be answered by someone else!

Blood? Blood!! Well it’s like shit, we’re full of it! So don’t talk to me about sisters, brothers, fathers nor mothers! I don’t even want his blood… The excess of wine makes me sick!

You see, I am not seeking forgiveness, for I have done nothing wrong! However I might have a sweet tooth for vengeance! In fact all I want, is to see this wall destroyed, his empire burned to ashes, and his so called heritage to the human kind buried for good!
Shame on me, for defying a flawless concept… and failing to attribute every “blessing” to him. Shame on me for helping a fellow human being without expecting a divine reward in return. Shame on me for not being afraid of hell and not being desperate to go to heaven. Shame on me for adopting the “human rights” as my divine book… instead of going to Sunday school, paying “Al Zakat”, or resting on Shabbat!

Conflicts resolution!

2009-02-11T13:58:00.004+02:00

Honey! guess what I did at work today?
I wore a bomb to a big field of flowers!
Tomorrow I might be luckier,
There might be children and women too!

(Painting by Maroun Kassab)

Ride my pain away!

2009-02-06T22:23:00.002+02:00

(Click to enlarge)

Life through colored lenses!

2009-02-02T18:04:00.002+02:00

The day I loose my sight, I will finally be able to see! For I would become blind to the human atrocities! To fake smiles, and ugly faces! I would become indifferent to religious statues and printed political propaganda! I would become immune to those despicable strangers with their phony sentimentalities, who were shaking my hand in my grandma’s funeral!

However, blindness is still wishful thinking in a dimension where dreams have become as fragile as a nested egg, and hopes have become as insignificant as an atheist prayer and self esteem has become weaker than a pretzel stick!

As my journey towards blindness progresses, slowly yet surely… but not sadly… I’d be satisfied to wear my orange sunglasses so I can hide my bloody eyes, wear my disintegrated scarf to cover my bitten neck, and put on my hat in a pathetic attempt to hide my raw thoughts and pretend I’m just another… normal person… not yet a dreamer!

BITCH

2009-01-29T10:07:00.007+02:00

BITCH, MEGA BITCH!!! My colleague at work is an absolute Bitch! She thinks she's better than the rest of us crappy people! She's just perfect! With Peghfect fghench accent! Style... Ain El Ghemmeneh! However "une Poisson" Anyway...

Where was I?? oh right...She thinks she's perfect! With her perfect little life, and her very important husband who works at booz my ass! Perfect employee! She doesn't gossip... no no no no... she doesn't!!

She has a strict policy against gossiping... This is what just happened:

I was chatting with a friend of mine, who works in another field office, and she told me that 2 of our colleagues are being beaten up (on the spot), and that their car wheels have been teared up by a knife, and the police is here, and that it was a serious mess - I should clarify one thing though, she (i.e. the BITCH) is the one responsible of all our field offices.

After 10 or 15 minutes, i pass by her office to ask her, if she knew about what was happening in this field office. Apparently she was unaware!

She calls me later on, and asks me who told me, and what happened, and that it is interesting how news travel fast!

So i storm into her office, and ask her: What do you mean by news travel fast...

She answers: No nothing, it's good to know how much gossiping is going around!

YOU STUPID BITCH!! IF A CAR CRASHES IN CONGO, YOU KNOW ABOUT IT IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTES!!!! BUT A FRIEND TELLING ME THAT TWO OF OUR COLLEAGUES (ONE HAPPENED TO BE A FEMALE) ARE BEING BEATEN UP, AND THE POLICE IS ON THE SCENE... THAT HAS BECOME GOSSIPPING!!!

GRAB YOUR SORRY ASS AND CALL FOR SENIOR MANAGEMENT MEETING, AND ASK THEM TO DEAL WITH THIS UNBEARABLE GOSSIPING SITUATION ASAP!

WHAT A BITCH!!!

Nos délires!

2009-01-20T00:53:00.007+02:00

...Et tu as été admise bien sûr.
Tu as quitté Beyrouth pour emménager à Paris,
Un petit appartement dans la rue Dareau.
Je t'ai montré notre quartier, mon velo, mon école, je t'ai présenté à mes amis, à mes profs.
J'ai écouté les textes que tu répétais, tes leçons, tes espoirs, tes désirs, ta musique.
Tu écoutais la mienne, mon anglais, mon rock, mon rape français.
je t'ai donné un ipod, tu m'as offert un oreiller, et un jour, tu m'as offert un enfant.
Le temps passait, le temps filait, et tout paraissait si facile, si simple, libre, si nouveau et si unique.
On allait au cinéma, on allait voir les enfoirés, faire des courses, on riait, tu pleurais, ta mère te manquait trop, on nageait, on se rasaient.
De temps à autres tu criais, sans aucune raison, ou avec raison parfois, oui, avec raison parfois.
Je t'accompagnais a la fac, je révisais mes examens, j'écoutais tes exercices de chant, tes espoirs, tes désirs, ta musique, tu écoutais la mienne, mes délires.
Nous étions proches, si proches, toujours plus proches.
Nous allions au cinéma, nous allions nager, rions ensemble, tu criais, avec une raison parfois, et parfois sans, le temps passait, le temps filait.
Je t'accompagnais a la fac, je révisais mes examens, tu m'écoutais chanter français, anglais, parfois l’arabe.
Je révisais mes examens, tu criais, parfois avec raison, le temps passait, sans raison, tu criais, sans raison.
Je révisais mes examens, mes examens, mes examens, mes examens, le temps passait, tu criais, tu criais, tu criais...

Reality

2009-01-11T20:33:00.009+02:00

I might hold a masters degree in epidemiology, but I am not an epidemiologist!
I have the capacity to love, but I am not the best lover!
I run marathons, ride bicycles but I do not dare to call my self an athlete.
I am not a militant: neither for atheism, nor for peace, nor for any cause! I am not sure if I despise religion, and its pagan rituals;
I am not a music critic, nor a wine connoisseur!
I do not pretend to be knowledgeable in fashion, french cheese or chocolate!
I am constantly surrounded by intellectuals, but I am not sure I qualify as one!
I wouldn't pretend to have a favorite writer, it's just too deceiving and misleading, it also gives an amplified impression that we're intellectuals!

However I am sure of one thing, and one thing only: I am a dreamer! I am a very ordinary human being who feeds on his dreams! I wake up every morning, and instead of preparing a breakfast, I create a dream to get me through the day.... Then I spend my entire day perfecting this non reality, carrying people in and outside this dream.

All my feelings, actions, reactions, mistakes, decisions, uncertainties, abhorrence and love are piped into those dreams!

Paris

2008-12-28T10:52:00.004+02:00

I have been in Paris for sometimes now, testing the grounds... See if i can live there, in order not to repeat the same mistake twice! And most importantly to verify all the bull shit I have heard from friends and family!!

Yes they can talk bull shit as well. For example one of the family members, thought that i can't make it there and that it is not as easy as I think (it's expensive, even air costs money, bla bla bla, I believe that he's... well forget about what i believe)... Some others thought the opposite...

Anyway, had to go see it myself. I am not going to ramble on about the touristic side of Paris... it is too "cliche" for my taste, and anyway I am not your typical tourist...

I really fell in love with the system. The french are too damn socialists!!! they are environmentally conscious (really! I believe that the Europeans are the leaders in this sector)! Simple, rude, and mean! But at least they appreciate what they have! Their public commuting system is so efficient that it scares the crap out of you! and all in all IT IS CHEAPER than Lebanon!!!

Damn it!

I can go on for hours, but I don't need additional reasons to despise the Lebanese people!

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Sand and Salt

2008-12-15T15:39:00.002+02:00

"Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact."

-One of Dr Mick's students-

What You Pay Is What You Get: WYPIWYG

2008-11-25T10:05:00.003+02:00

My love story with NGOs is not over yet! After the never ending restructuring at the NGO where I work, and after all the bull shit talk that I have been listening to from the part of my director: "You are an asset to our NGO. We need people like you.... What does it take to keep you with us.... I will make sure you get a raise and a promotion (i.e: a lot of additional tasks on my JD)"

Anyway here is how my story unfolds...

Dear DME manager (that would be my supervisor),
The National Director and I (HR manager) have agreed on the new salaries for both you and MMMMMMMMM.

You will be receiving an e-mail from me by maximum Monday on the new salary and grade. You will be getting the difference for October and November before the end of November. December salary will be transferred with the salary increase.
Good weekend!
Regards
HR Manager

... And on Monday:

Dear MMMMMMMMM,

Kindly note that your salary grade is 13 and your salary as of November 1 is Lbp 1,966,900 which is equivallent to usd 1300 (for 12 payments a year) [... And of course she forgot to mention the deductible taxes]. The salary range for this grade is, minimum usd 1244 and maximum usd 1803.
P.S: my previous salary was 1218$!
Your updated Job Description is herewith attached.

Should you have any inquiry don't hesitate to get back to me, I'm more than happy to answer your queries!
God bless,
HR Manager

PS: The increase will be incorporated in December's salary. For November [Note that in her previous email she said that we will be getting the difference for October and November] it will be transferred to your bank account separately by the end of this month.

At first I was furious, and confused and depressed! I went to bed, and had a terrible sleep... After all i have been working with them for 2 years now!! However when i woke up today, I had decided not to argue with them. If that is how much they value me, well I will give them 1300$ worth of work!

And that would be an additional reason for me to start packing my bags!!!

P.S: I Graduated from AUB on top of my class with an M.S in Epidemiology and Biostat, I am a published author in 5 Peer reviewed scientific journals. Worked as a researcher (assistant and associate) at AUB for around 2 years. Got accepted in a PhD program at UFL (with a full scholarship, but decided to come back).... and here I am.... Bitching about my crappy salary!!!

Digital blasphemy: Do we dare to dream?

2008-11-20T12:45:00.001+02:00

Librairie Publique

2008-11-18T12:14:00.006+02:00

Musique calme: Brel, les classiques
Lumière : tamisée….
Mur : jaune orange avec des rayures effet humidité ( comme des cartes géographiques)
Grand mirroir au fond, sur lequel est etale un grand chale
Une chaise qui bouge

Grande bibli, trouvée dans une maison, qu'on a nous même décorée et repeint…

Livre: 500 Livres (neufs et usages)

Inscription : 30 000 par mois….

Gateaux fait maison: maman prépare chaque dimanche : mini sable, mini croissant et 2 fois par semaine des cakes….
Confitures fait maison, chocolat….

Partout des posters anciens, des lettres de Baudelaire, de POE, de Verlaine….

Chaque Mardi : Dead Poets Society
Lecture de poèmes par thème

Chaque jeudi: Soirée littéraire
Animation et lecture de livre

Une fois par mois invitation d'un auteur connu!

Entre gris clair et gris foncé

2008-11-12T15:58:00.003+02:00

My life is nothing but a lousy version of my hopes and dreams! But it's ok. No one gets to live their dreams; the best thing we can hope for, is pass so close to them (our dreams) and hope that one day we can converge with them for a certain period of time.

I have been hating my own people for a long period now. I think I got to a point where this hatred has started to consume me; yet it doesn't bother me. However what bothers me is that I have become an alien in my own country. I am unable to relate to the Lebanonians... (I don't want to get started).

I have been living in this bubble for the past 12 months; a bubble that I have created with so much finesse. I have picked its ingredients very meticulously... I have been obsessed about it, to a point where I think that if it explodes before I leave it would create a big mess, and it would scatter the pieces of my soul across the 5 continents.

I am not depressed... I am not the depressive type of people... Although like everyone else I have my ups and downs. I am just suffocating in a place where there is no room for personal growth; and this bubble that I have created will soon have to accommodate another restless soul, and I just don't think that it can sustain both of us... at least not in this hostile womb!

NGO work

2008-11-04T15:41:00.002+02:00

I have been working at an NGO for about 2 years now; and I can tell you that it is the most efficient way to waste money!! Gosh... gambling is more honorable as compared to NGO work.

Hey, I am not talking about my NGO alone (although Bono did describe us as the Sleeping Orange Giant... not orange monkey... that would be another politician... but the sleeping orange giant)... but all of them! Anyway, after careful thinking I have realized that the only beneficiaries are us... the employees! I swear if the donor knew that around 80% of his donated money is allocated to overhead cost... he would never ever donate a single penny again...

Furthermore NGOs have recently become a hub for incompetent people! Whenever you see someone who sucks at virtually everything... believe me he would be doing very well in any NGO... I swear i can write the shittiest report ever and it would still be considered as an "excellent job" WTF!!! at NGOs we keep on finding excuses to celebrate mediocrity!!!

They talk about impact, change, and sustainability! Believe me people! none of this is happening! NGOs only exist for political agendas! to escape taxes and for advertisements!!

Time to change!

2008-10-14T09:34:00.002+02:00

Enough is enough! I know i say it the whole time, but this time it is for real! It is time to change! I can't stand this farm anymore! Now I really regret it! Coming back from the U.S! Two years later, I really regret it! Of course I wouldn't regret it had I been staying in my house in Bhersaf, 24/7! but unfortunetly I have to leave home and mingle with all the crap!

Ok today is not my best day at all!!

Sample of my daily diet

2008-10-08T23:01:00.003+02:00

Breakfast: 1 bole of cereal + banana + raisins
Snack: 1 apple
Lunch: riz 3a djej (big plate)
Snack: 1 big fruit cocktail + 350 g of yogurt
Dinner: small plate of mjadra + salad + bread
Snack: debess w t7ineh
Snack: 1 banana + 1 apple
Dinner: 2 pieces of grilled fish

Another day in paradise

2008-10-02T15:16:00.002+03:00

Yesterday night, was one of those trippy nights at Gemayzeh... The kind of nights where you feel high... and relaxed... 1 beer, 1 light sandwich... few puffs.... and then you go back home! You sleep... 10 hours later... you wake up feeling different! Why??? I do not know! (but of course I do know!!! it is only a matter of brain chemicals... Anyway I am going to pretend that I don't know!)

When I woke up today, I was feeling stronger, I was feeling at peace!!! I just figured it out, it is all connected now! Just a few minutes ago, I told my colleague that I will resume my work which I have suspended for the last 30 days! I have also came to realize that I have regained my reading concentration, i.e I can read something not related to sports for a change! Whenever I regain my intellectual sense, I feel more at peace!

Could it be that the summer fever has finally passed? Were my previously mentioned problems seasonal? Could that be? Or is it only brain chemicals?

Do I associate winter times with indoor activities such as reading and writing? Furthermore, does the fact that I tend to go for drinks more frequently during winter times have triggered all of this?

The night

2008-09-30T00:42:00.002+03:00

I love the night, I love sitting alone at night thinking about many different things. During those long sleepless nights, I think, think, and think.
I think about a hundred million different things. It kinda drives me crazy.
I think how clueless I am, I also think about my identity crisis.
I think about all the things that I should be doing and that I am not.
I think about how much I am letting myself down, how much I am neglecting my intellectual and personal growth. I am not reading anymore, I am not blogging, I am not writing. I am missing on all these important things and moments... all these important and creative posts. I am scared to loose this connection that I have made with other writers/artists/bloggers (each one in his own way).
I think about how much I am neglecting my photo-shooting hobby.

Despite the fact that I am very proud of my athletic achievements, I am very disappointed by this despicable neglect of my intellectual nurture!!!!